The things they don’t tell you about motherhood.

What is sleep?

If your lucky enough to have an angelic unicorn baby that sleeps through the night – I hate you.
I on the other hand do not.
I can’t remember the last time I slept 5 hours uninterrupted sleep. My ideal date now would be someone booking me a hotel room for myself where I could sleep for 24 hours and then sleep some more. I am constantly tired. I feel like a zombie.
And that whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” has never worked for me. It’s like my son senses when I lay down and starts to relax and as if by magic is wide awake.

Breasts? What breasts? They are udders now

It’s like every time I look down I have a baby hanging off of me.
I co sleep with Israel so he has worked out how to shuffle his way to my boob during the night and has milk on tap.
I remember bringing Israel home and expressing my milk with a manual hand pump (for the love for God if you are going to express get an electric one!!!!!) and him waking up half way through and having to pop him on the other breast. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, pump on one boob israel on the other, and thought “wow you really are a cow now”
Israel uses my “udders” (because that’s what they are) as comforters, pillows, play things.. you name it. So if you are planning to breast feed and think those breasts are still yours, you are sadly mistaken.

Baby brain

Baby brain is real.
Baby brain is evil.
Baby brain can suck rocks.
I don’t know why after you have a baby you’ve brain turns to mush, but it does!
The amount of times I’ve caught myself putting the remote in the fridge or cooking something in the oven for an hour without actually turning the oven on. I walk into a room and have no clue why I’m there.. or start talking and in my head think “what hell am I even saying?”

Questionable advice

You are going to get “advice” from loved ones that will make you question how are we even related?
The amount of times I’ve been told things like
“Let him cry it builds his lungs” “your STILL breastfeeding? That baby needs a cheeseburger” “stop holding him your gonna spoil him”
First of all, this is my baby that I carried for 9 months.. I didn’t see any of you in the delivery room helping me push 9 pounds of head shoulders knees and toes out of my hoohar. Thank you for the advice I didn’t ask for *with the fakest smile on my face*
You are constantly going to get advice, like constantly non stop all the fucking (sorry mom) time. And 9 times out of 10 it is coming from a good place. It does take a village to raise a baby but at the end of the day you know what feels right, you know what you are comfortable with. Just because someone rubbed rum on their babies gums and they didn’t die doesn’t mean you have to.
You have to learn to say “oh wow thank you” as the pointless advice goes over your head.
Remember if there’s something your not sure about there’s so many sources you can seek help from, just because auntie Susan has 10 kids and gave her babies chicken bone and cow foot to suck on instead of a pacifier to help her babies sleep at night, doesn’t mean her way is gospel and will work for you. (Please don’t do that)

Competitive moms

“My 4 month old baby can sing the ABC backwards whilst doing handstands and braiding my hair… what can yours do??”

Ermmmm my baby eats fluff off the floor?

I don’t know why moms are soooo competitive, but there are. I guess because everyone thinks their baby is the greatest, the best baby that ever graced the face of the earth.
But 9 times out of 10 they are lying.
I am part of loads of mom groups on Facebook and I really try and take whatever is said in there with a pinch of salt. It’s hard not to roll your eyes at the spiel that comes out of some these women’s mouths.
I mean yes some babies are magical creatures that sleep through the night and wake up like little angels and preoccupy themselves till you wake up, but do you have to tell everyone?
Remember that every baby is different, some grasp things faster than others but it doesn’t mean their baby is better than yours.

Mine is the best (just kidding just kidding)

I wonder what that stain is?

The amount of times I’ve had a stain on my person and thought “dear God I hope that isn’t what I think it is??!!”
I constantly smell like vomit. I am constantly finding weird questionable stains on my clothes.
You will forever be finding patches on you, but whatever you do please do not smell it!

It’s okay to take a break

It’s okay to want to have a day off, a day to yourself. And when you get the chance take it!
To be a good mother it is important to take care of yourself first! So if you have someone offering to watch the baby for a couple of hours take them up on it!
Go get your nails done, take yourself out to lunch, hell lay still in a dark room for a few hours thinking about nothingness. Whatever you do to recharge yourself – do it.
Even if your “break” is you asking someone to watch the baby while go to the toilet. I used to do this and take a detour to my bedroom to lay down.
No one is perfect, you are not expected to be perfect mommy that can do everything on 2 minutes sleep.
It’s okay to ask for help
Its okay to take a break

There soooo many things I was told before having Israel but wasn’t prepared for but this one takes the flipping biscuit..


I can’t believe how obsessed I am with my little human. I could be living off 2 minutes sleep smelling of vomit trying my hardest to get him to sleep for the 100th time, but as soon as he falls asleep I want him to wake up again. I want to hold him, smell him, kiss him, squeeze him.
I have never known anything like it! I am obsessed!
I could be having an unrelated conversation to Israel but I will always find a way to get the conversation back to him. For example..

Person: “I saw my mom today”
Me “Israels first word was mom”

Person “I had a banana today”
Me “omg no way? Israels head is shaped like a banana”

Person “when I went on holiday i was attacked by sharks and jellyfish but then a deep sea diver…”
Me “look at this picture of Israel.. isn’t he great”

You get the picture.

I can’t believe someone so small has filled up the whole of my heart and then some! I know a mothers love was something special but I didn’t expect it to be this amazing! I truly am obsessed with my little human. To me he is the best.


Love Lucia Simone x

2 thoughts on “The things they don’t tell you about motherhood.

  1. Hi it’s great to read your blog.
    You have a great way of writing and inject a little humor
    Your writing and experiences are more positive I like that I think the dark days are gone. You are a wonderful mother and Israel is do lucky to have s mother so dedicated as you are. I will never advise on child rearing as I wouldn’t know where to start. All I know is love and consistency works best. The bond your forming. And already have is fantastic and the fact he has taken over your life is a good thing anyone who compares there life (childless) will soon realise its empty without that little bundle of unconditional love. My regret in life was to never marry and start a family.
    Keep your blogs coming they are a breath of fresh air and if you need to scream and vent do that too it’s good for the soul.
    Stay in touch Good luck and we’ll done x


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