When I had just broken up with Israels dad I was soo low, like the lowest I have ever been in my life.. so I decided to write, write down how I felt. Get my pain out on paper (well the notes bit in my phone lol) I totally forgot that I did and literally came across it the other day and I’m honestly so proud of myself! I have over come soo much in such a short space of time, and although I’m not all the way there.. I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
So I decided to post it for anybody going through something right now, I know it may not seem like it but you will over come this! I was soooo depressed, I couldn’t look after myself let alone my baby and now look at me (I still have my moments when I look back and cry – but I’m human and these things take time)
So I hope you understand why I’m posting this.. I want to show that no matter how bad a situation is, no matter how much it has over come you or is weighing you down.. it wont be forever! There is light at the end of the tunnel – happiness even.
If I can over come this heart break, you can overcome anything!
My heart is broken. I’m broken.
It’s true when people say pick who you have a baby with wisely.. you’ll be tied to that person for ever. Usually when someone hurts you, you cut that person off and never speak to them again and get over it.. but I can’t do that with you. I constantly have to see your face, hear your voice.. The voice I love, the face I love.
How am I supposed to tell my heart to stop loving you.. how do you stop loving someone?
Every thing we had planned for us, down the drain.
Where did it go wrong? Why did it go soo wrong? We was soo happy at one point.. when did I stop making you happy?
Will I ever get over this? Over you?
Logically I know I will be happy again some day, I know I won’t be sad forever.. it’s just right now I can’t see it. I know the pain will stop hurting and I’ll look back and think “I can’t believe I wasted soo much time crying over you when you don’t even care..”
So I’m writing this for the day I wake up and don’t care anymore, for the day that I don’t cry for you..
I want to be able to tell myself LUCIA YOU DID IT! You over came it and I’m proud!
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night but it hurts. My heart hurts. I can’t make the tears stop.
I can’t believe this is my life.
When someone you love with all of you stops loving you, stops wanting you.. it’s the worst feeling, it’s devastating.
When we had our son, my love for you grew even stronger. I would melt when I would see you two together – the splitting image of each other. I loved the way you loved on our baby. Half of the both of us.. Israel; created out of loved. So why did you stop loving me? What happened that you decided I wasn’t worth your love?
I know I will never get the answers, I know I probably can’t handle the answers..
I don’t know if I’m more sad for myself or our son. I never wanted to have a broken family. I’m the product of a broken family and I know how hard it can be! Seeing your siblings grow up with your dad, looking from the outside in. Missing out on things. I never wanted that for Israel and I feel so sorry for him. I feel like this is my fault. Maybe if I was a better me?
I can’t help but cry for him.
I’m at rock bottom. I’ve never felt so low.
How can the person I love with all of me be the one to break my heart in half?
It’s soo funny how one day someone can wake up and decide they don’t love you no more, that your not worth fighting for. It just a shame that that someone is my child’s father.
Everything reminds me of you. Every time I look at Israel I see you.
But Lucia you will over come this. This too shall pass. Find your peace and heal your heart. I know you can do it! I am praying for strength everyday. I hope every time I wake up it gets a little bit easier..
Why do I miss you?
Your the cause of this, you broke us, you broke me. But I miss you. I would give any thing for you to turn around say your sorry. But you won’t.
I pray for you every day.
I hope God will heal you. If not for me, for your children. They deserve the best you.
Hurt people hurt people.
I just hope one day you heal and beat the cycle.
In time I will heal.
I know I will get over this, I have to. If not for me for Israel. I don’t have time to be sad. He needs me.