November 2nd 2017

When I had just broken up with Israels dad I was soo low, like the lowest I have ever been in my life.. so I decided to write, write down how I felt. Get my pain out on paper (well the notes bit in my phone lol) I totally forgot that I did and literally came across it the other day and I’m honestly so proud of myself! I have over come soo much in such a short space of time, and although I’m not all the way there.. I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

So I decided to post it for anybody going through something right now, I know it may not seem like it but you will over come this! I was soooo depressed, I couldn’t look after myself let alone my baby and now look at me (I still have my moments when I look back and cry – but I’m human and these things take time)

So I hope you understand why I’m posting this.. I want to show that no matter how bad a situation is, no matter how much it has over come you or is weighing you down.. it wont be forever! There is light at the end of the tunnel – happiness even.
If I can over come this heart break, you can overcome anything!

My heart is broken. I’m broken.

It’s true when people say pick who you have a baby with wisely.. you’ll be tied to that person for ever. Usually when someone hurts you, you cut that person off and never speak to them again and get over it.. but I can’t do that with you. I constantly have to see your face, hear your voice.. The voice I love, the face I love.
How am I supposed to tell my heart to stop loving you.. how do you stop loving someone?

Every thing we had planned for us, down the drain.
Where did it go wrong? Why did it go soo wrong? We was soo happy at one point.. when did I stop making you happy?

Will I ever get over this? Over you?

Logically I know I will be happy again some day, I know I won’t be sad forever.. it’s just right now I can’t see it. I know the pain will stop hurting and I’ll look back and think “I can’t believe I wasted soo much time crying over you when you don’t even care..”
So I’m writing this for the day I wake up and don’t care anymore, for the day that I don’t cry for you..
I want to be able to tell myself LUCIA YOU DID IT! You over came it and I’m proud!

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night but it hurts. My heart hurts. I can’t make the tears stop.
I can’t believe this is my life.
When someone you love with all of you stops loving you, stops wanting you.. it’s the worst feeling, it’s devastating.
When we had our son, my love for you grew even stronger. I would melt when I would see you two together – the splitting image of each other. I loved the way you loved on our baby. Half of the both of us.. Israel; created out of loved. So why did you stop loving me? What happened that you decided I wasn’t worth your love?
I know I will never get the answers, I know I probably can’t handle the answers..

I don’t know if I’m more sad for myself or our son. I never wanted to have a broken family. I’m the product of a broken family and I know how hard it can be! Seeing your siblings grow up with your dad, looking from the outside in. Missing out on things. I never wanted that for Israel and I feel so sorry for him. I feel like this is my fault. Maybe if I was a better me?
I can’t help but cry for him.

I’m at rock bottom. I’ve never felt so low.
How can the person I love with all of me be the one to break my heart in half?
It’s soo funny how one day someone can wake up and decide they don’t love you no more, that your not worth fighting for. It just a shame that that someone is my child’s father.
Everything reminds me of you. Every time I look at Israel I see you.

But Lucia you will over come this. This too shall pass. Find your peace and heal your heart. I know you can do it! I am praying for strength everyday. I hope every time I wake up it gets a little bit easier..

Why do I miss you?
Your the cause of this, you broke us, you broke me. But I miss you. I would give any thing for you to turn around say your sorry. But you won’t.
I pray for you every day.
I hope God will heal you. If not for me, for your children. They deserve the best you.
Hurt people hurt people.
I just hope one day you heal and beat the cycle.

In time I will heal.
I know I will get over this, I have to. If not for me for Israel. I don’t have time to be sad. He needs me.

9 thoughts on “November 2nd 2017

  1. This will relate to people in ways you will never know. My husband and I came very close to an end shortly after having our child and it was her I hurt for more than anything, I wanted more for her so I feel you. Be strong, you will be so surprised where it takes you.


  2. Been here!!! I’ve been here and I’ve got the same notes on my phone 😂😂😂😂😂 you made it and you’ve got this.
    Never blame yourself! You’ll find someone for the both of you. Know your worth boo xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Amazing post honey! There is a father in heaven who loves you more than anything in the world. To him, you are worth fighting for. He knows every intricate detail about you. He is obsessed with you. It is impossible to know love without knowing him because HE is Love. His name is Jesus Christ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t imagine being in such a situation, my heart goes out to you. You are such a strong young Lady!
    I came across your profile while you were still flying and I’ve been able to witness your many happy and sad moments. It’s amazing being able to see you transform & blossom into the incredible mother you are.
    Sometimes viewing your snaps are the highlight of my day because I feel like I’m on a journey with you and seeing Israel get bigger and cheekier everyday. You’ve held yourself together with such dignity and grace.
    From someone on the outside looking in I’m very proud of you! Continue being you! See you in the skiessss xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I cried out of this dear am also going through such a moment ryt now i hope i will recover soon…thank u for this post it made me have hopes and stay strong.Baba god bless u

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lucia you will get stronger. Your strength is for you both right now Israel will be a better person because of your love and strength. I also am a child from a broken family. Please never fall into the trap of criticism of your absent partner. My parents did that sometimes quite strongly. As a child in the middle it gave us more pain than they as parents ever realised.
    Faith in Christ got me through that. I figured if they didn’t love me he did.


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